Miscarriage

Miscarriage....the unresolved loss

"I am alone. And just yesterday I was never alone...I always had a baby inside me."

At a time when you feel you have a secret that makes you bigger and taller and the whole world takes on a rosy glow, a miscarriage can take it away.

You know you're pregnant, your doctor knows, people close to you know and you begin to order your life around your baby. You have a sense of destiny, a promise of the future, a feeling of responsibility. Your baby becomes a real person to you. Between yourself and your baby there is a special, unique oneness that will last throughout the pregnancy, and because of that oneness, whether you miscarry early in your pregnancy or later, you will have lost a part of yourself when the baby dies. [Taken from Miscarriage~A book for parents, by The Centering Corporation] (see our book store or visit Centering on the web) the book covers feelings, sadness, anger, guilt, why me?, dads, the two of you, your baby~a late miscarriage, single moms, other children, your future, your fears.

Thanksgiving~A day of thanks?

It's been six months since I lost my baby at 41 1/2 weeks and I am pregnant again. My feelings are a hodgepodge of fear, anxiety, happiness, and uncertainty. Within a month, the danger signs start to reveal themselves. But, I will hold on to any hope and give my baby the chance it deserves. Physicians rival over my story and my pregnancy and maybe even pity my history. They hold two different opinions and I choose to listen to the one who is giving me a shred of hope although my heart and mind know already who is really speaking the true fate of this pregnancy. We have never seen or heard a heart beat but that doesn't stop the phantom baby that is etched in my mind. Boy or girl? It doesn't matter, I want a baby. But, maybe this was to soon for me, my body still not recovered from a most difficult birth, my mind still in a tailspin of emotion, my heart still longing for Daniel. Finally, even the doctor of hope is in question, but directs me to let nature take its course. So I do. It is Thanksgiving 1998 and I am setting the table for a few family members that will be in my home today. They don't know what is going on and I don't let them know. During our meal I quietly get up and make a phone call to the doctor who indeed already knew of this loss and had urged me to have this taken care of earlier. He is not pleased to be interrupted on this day but gives me instruction. I wonder around and get in and out of conversation at the table. I finally realize that it is happening when I can see it with my own eyes. Everyone has left but my parents so I whisper to my husband that it is time to take care of this. We drop my folks back home and continue to the hospital. It is Thanksgiving Eve and no one wants to really be there, I don't blame them, I don't either, but I don't have a choice, not now.

*Thank you Dr. Joel Allen of the Seton's Women Group who came to my side and gave me comfort and encouragement and for meeting me at 1:30AM in the ER when neither of my physicians could assist me for what was now an emergent D&C.

I didn't know then, but my losses have changed my life in so many ways. If I could have only seen through a magic ball that I would eventually have a beautiful, healthy baby it would have been a little easier.

For me; After my losses and my frantic attempt to adopt a baby, I had surrendered my desire to give birth again and began to see life without children. Then, June 1999, I became pregnant and on March 10, 2000, I gave birth to my second son Nikolas Vaughn.

We can't always choose our paths but we can grow, learn, and discover from them.

My heart goes out to all women who experience the loss of a miscarriage, early or late.

May you be blessed with the strength to pursue your dreams .

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A heartwarming poem from Meg M. who experienced 3 miscarriages.

I GIVE YOU MY HEART

Darkness fell upon my soul
My heart punctured with a hole.

There is nothing the doctors could say or do
There's no other way, but to rely on You.

I began to pray with all my might
That You'd guide me through the darkened night.

With the first loss, I thought I'd be okay
That I would be pregnant again someday.

The second loss, it was so much worse
I carried the ultrasound in my purse.

The baby was so real to me
Something others could not see.

In my mind, I had a picture
Of this baby in the future.

My heart was stabbed with a sword
When I lost my baby to You, Oh Lord.

I cried and cried in devastation
There would not be a celebration.

The baby was gone just like that
The doctor, so matter of fact.

The emptiness engulfed my whole being
I could not understand its true meaning.

With the third loss, I truly crumbled
I felt angry, hurt, lost and humbled.

In my whole life, I'd never felt so low
I gave You my heart - I had to let go.

In your Word, I searched for meaning
Through your Word, I have been healing.

I'm still not sure of you plan for me
But, I do know that one day I'll see.

For now, each and every waking day
I count my blessings in every way.

For my two young boys, my husband and more
It is time for me to shut a door.