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Heart of the Matter My heart races when the phone rings before or after "usual" hours. I know it's not just to say hello. So, when I heard the ring at 7 am four weeks ago, I jumped. Already suspecting that it was something to do with my father, I reached for the phone. "Your father just went to the emergency room with chest pains", my mother uttered. My father had an angioplasty over ten years ago. He was put on a strict diet and medications to prevent further damage to his heart. However, in the last year I noticed he was having a tough time standing and walking for long periods of time. He is a proud 75-year-old man who never admits to illness. With that said, I was not surprised to find out he had been experiencing chest pain for three days before his ER trip that Friday morning. My mother and I arrived at the hospital that afternoon to see my father getting prepped for an emergency quadruple bypass. The tests proved he had experienced a heart attack and they believed his condition was serious enough that they could not wait any longer for the surgery. My father, hooked up to all the monitors and stuck with IV's, displayed his usual pride and act of confidence about his fate. When I was a child he used to call himself "iron-man." I was not convinced, however, that "iron-man" was so invincible. Trying not to look worried, I gazed into his eyes and wondered how he can hide his fear. At that moment I realized how important a father's role is to a daughter. Father's always seem to make things better and provide security. We had a good relationship but not a very open one. I realized that his closed relationships as a child were brought forward to a new generation, me. If the cycle was ever going to break, it was up to me to face the fear of rejection and open up. Before I left, I gave him a kiss and said, "I love you." He said nothing, but I walked down the hall feeling good. Time seemed to stand still on Saturday as his projected eight-hour surgery began. My mother woke up, hugged my 15-month-old son and began to cry. Ironically, my son looks so much like my father. He inherited his blond hair and blue eyes while my husband and I share darker features. I spent the day praying for the best and knowing that "iron-man" needed more time with his grandson. He really shows his best side when they are together. It gives me such pleasure to watch him as he sings to my little one and smiles ear to ear as they dance around. He recites a little jingle called "That's What Mother's are For." My heart warms listening to it as I recall my own childhood memories. We got the call around 4:30 pm on Saturday. The surgery was over but there was an uncertainty of prognosis. The next day our rebuilt "iron man" was sitting up in bed eating turkey. I couldn't believe it! He was looking great and already using the dominant tone of voice I am used to. He called out to my mother using his "Archie Bunker" mannerism. At times I felt myself almost loosing my patience with him. He spent almost ten days in the hospital before he went home. Since then, he has been in and out of the hospital with several complications but continues his courageous fight. I pray the "iron-man" will pull through and prove his strength once again. I continue to talk with him and break barriers but most of all enjoy our time. My father is not the only heart patient in my family this year. My aunt, who will be 73 this July, also underwent a quadruple bypass. Her prognosis is very good. She was a healthy person, very active and for the most part eats a well-balanced diet. Her diagnosis was a shock to her. However, looking back she did experience some shortness of breath and some pain while walking. Aunt Fran is doing well and is expected to have a full recovery. My husband, a young 37-year-old was told he has high blood pressure and high cholesterol, what could be in his future? These circumstances made me think about time spent and words spoken and unspoken. And, that time is something that seems to speed up as we age. I am approaching the middle of the hourglass with the white salt picking up a little speed. It makes me conscious of what I do, whom I do it with and what my future holds. I think about my son and how I want to be there for him through all his milestones. I know I will be as open as possible with him. I also want to take a look at my family's own eating habits and how I can make a difference in the way we eat. heart of the matter continued...................9/9/01 It is with great sadness that I continue heart of the matter with the passing of my father. I watched my father as he started his journey with Spirit. My heart was aching as the man who has been responsible for me my whole life was leaving the world as we know it. He never said good-bye...I believe he never gave up. So it wasn't until the last hour that I went home to be with my son that we truly said good-bye. I sat in my kitchen wondering when God was going to take him home and end his suffering. My emotions were attacking my heart..guilt, sadness, anger with frustration that I could not change what was happening. Suddenly, I felt a familiar warmth and peace. My father felt very close to me and I knew he came to see me in spirit. I found myself in joyful tears as I grabbed a picture of him and I screamed "Goodbye Daddy, Thank you." I feel very blessed that I was able to feel so close to him and that I did not have to be in the hospital room watching him gasp for breath and moan from pain in order to say good-bye. Today I realize that he will always be with me. ***On August 9, 2001, my dad past away. I will miss him always.. I heard you © 2001 |
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